


A Punning Attack

by Aqualianbird



Category: Saint Seiya, cdz - Fandom
Genre: Comedy, Gen, Is here a warning for terrible puns ?
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2019-04-03
Updated: 2019-04-03
Packaged: 2020-01-01 08:29:01
Rating: General Audiences
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 1
Words: 2,972
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/18332369
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/Aqualianbird/pseuds/Aqualianbird
Summary: The Trickster King of the Sanctuary finds himself challenged by the planning of this year's upcoming April Fools' Day. Will he manage to find inspiration for his special holiday in time to keep his crown ?





	A Punning Attack

**Author's Note:**

> Hi everyone ! I'm kinda new around AO3, but I heard this is the place to be for writers and readers.  
> Spring is a time of rebirth, April Fool's Day an excellent excuse to write something, and Seiya the eponymous character of my favourite universe. All this made me think this short fic would be the best choice for getting this account started. Hope you enjoy !

The 23rd of the month had been announced sunny and warm by the weather forecast. Not too warm, but just enough to leave behind the winter raincoats, especially given the cloudless horizon one could witness from the top of the Twelve Temples' way.  
And despite the ever growing signs of spring rebirth, Seiya's spirit remained dark and moody.  
_It will be a bit windy, though. It's always windy in the Sanctuary ..._ He thought dropping yet another rock.

The Pegasus Saint was distracting himself playing a game of his own invention - an adapted version of ricochet which aimed at bouncing stones down as many stairs as possible, more suited for the Sanctuary.  
He cut short his next shot noticing a set of flaming hair moving in his direction.  
\- "Kiki !" He greeted. "How are the last days of being a child going ? You know, at eleven, you are officially a teenager. There's probably going to be responsibility involved now too."  
The grimace that had answered to the word "child" transformed into a mischievous smile.  
\- "Because you sure know a lot about responsibility, right ? Pegasus saaaint.  
\- Of course I do ! I'll have you know I am a very responsible man in a highly responsible position, Kiki.  
\- Sure you are. Is it _responsibility_ that made you switch all of the stardust supplies for itching powder a couple of years ago ?  
\- Nooo ...  
\- Because if I remember well one of the unassigned armours knocked out an apprentice trying to get a scratch. And how everybody spend the whole week walking around with rashes ? One time, I walked in on Shiryu and Hyoga discussing those and they suddenly became very quiet - I'm not a baby, I know this means they were talking about sex parts.  
\- Of cours ...  
\- Is it responsibility that inspired you to learn how to control all your armour parts from a distance to make us think you became invisible ?  
\- This is a very plausible attack scenario. I was merely testing the Sanctuary's defen ...  
\- And is it _responsibility_ that pushed you to set loose like a [thousand bouncing balls](https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=spB4ezsQ6II) in the Twelve Temples' staircase last year ? Because you can still see the holes in Aries.  
\- Hey ! You enjoy those pranks too ! You even took a video of that one and posted it on Youtube. Talked about it for weeks !  
\- Well, it was my birthday. What's your excuse ?  
\- Ahem !"  
The authority behind this throat clearing left no room for doubt. Seiya and Kiki jumped on even ground and saluted their Goddess.  
\- "I am ready for your report Kiki. Please take a seat inside.  
\- Yes, Milady !"  
As soon as the redhead had run past Saori, he turned around to throw one last glare at the Pegasus Saint as he telekineticaly arranged rocks and plants to form the words "Don't ever call me a child again, Ugly Donkey !".  
There was not much Seiya could do under their Goddess' stare. He had to let the kid run away with this piece of his pride and smile.  
-"Is there anything I can do for you, _Milady_ ?"  
As much as he understood the need for discipline in their order he could never get used to the new rules. Like c'mmon, they had fought over a roll of [toilet paper](https://media.production.coolgift.com/product/Sudoku-Toilet-Roll-12.jpg) as kids.  
He was expecting a scolding as usual. However, this time, the 21st century's goddess remained silent.  
Seiya gradually felt uneasy.  
_Oh no. Oh no nononono. It's her thinking stare._  
Just as though she had heard his thoughts, her stare intensified.  
_Crap. I'm screwed._  
And this is how, a few moments later, the Pegasus saint donned a pink apron and, armed with a broom, took siege on the dusty guest rooms.

  
-"Stupid delegation ... stupid guest rooms," Seiya mumbled. "She should totally just hire a cleaning staff. Instead, she is using us for doing chores as punishment."  
He threw a rag at the rooms' cabinet hoping to knock off all its dust in one slide. He did, however, succeed in producing an interesting piece of abstract art.  
-"It's not even like it serves anything !" He kept rambling. "By the time Asgard comes by those rooms will be filled with dust again, and someone else will have to clean it all over again."  
He did not even find any consolation in the fact his superspeed proved efficient in cleaning the window - he could have at least felt gratitude out of regard for those of us who cannot afford such a luxury.  
-"It's really not fair I have to do all this tedious work for nothing !" He continued. "But 'y _our duty is to do whatever I tell you,_ Seiya ! _'. 'I am not the Goddess of Justice,_ Seiya !' ' _Didn't you read my wiki page,_ Seiya ? _'_ _'I will punish you for something you haven't done yet so you don't have time executing your plan,_ Seiya ! _' 'Now go clean those rooms or I will extend your janitor duties to all the unoccupied temples,_ **Seiya !** ' _"_  
The Pegasus Saint let out his deepest sigh yet, so profound it moved the room's dust all around.  
-"I didn't even have a stupid plan ...", he confessed, defeated.  
Only the wind reacted to his plaint, rolling around the little balls of dust.  
Such was the weight of his practical joker's destiny.

Every year, ever since he had been initiated to the Western cultural tradition of playing pranks on the 1st of April, Seiya had made it a point to plot _the_ most memorable mischief of the day - the one everybody would be talking about.  
Last year's prank felt like the pinnacle of his carrier. Not only had the thousands bouncing balls confused the living hell out of everybody, the colourful waterfall had been majestic to watch. But now, April's fools day was approaching at vertiginous speed and yet the Pegasus' imagination stayed dry. He couldn't even come up with a small backup plan.  
_Artist's block is such a bitch ..._  
His eyes met with the room's calendar. Pegasus snarled at it. How dared it hang up there, all tall and prideful on the wall. Or would the calendar have looked just as arrogant without the picture of the Eiffel Tower ?

At least, now he had a funny story to tell; for some obscure reason the Sanctuary displayed French calendars in its guest rooms. 

_Probably a gift,_ reasoned Seiya. _Or a way to suck it up to a French delegation._  
The Pegasus Saint sighed again. Here he was, D-8, cleaning rooms. The festivity steaming from this calendar page was obviously part of a great scheme to add as many insults as possible to his injury; every single one of his glares were returned with a mocking smile.  
_At this rhythm, Kiki will remain the one and only King of April Fools' Day._  
The young man pondered over the appropriate handicap his rival should be assigned given the fortuitous time of his birth. He simultaneously thought upgrading the temples with electricity would be just as tasteful.

It was only when he started inspecting his work on the recently cleaned room that he noticed the fateful calendar had actually been displaying the month of January all along (for that was how often those rooms were used). Hesitant at first - after all, his orders were to  _only_ clean the rooms- he finally decided to walk over and tear out the outdated pages; there had never been any harm in treating oneself to a satisfying sound after some hard work.  
Neither there was in allowing oneself to make paper planes out of the aforementioned torn pages - after all, those poor trees never had the chance to serve their intended purpose.  
And obviously, once the planes have been built one could hardly do otherwise but honour the lives of the fallen pines, which definitively craved for some meaning to their pasty cellulosal incarnations. Preferably by making them collide with Saori or Ikki.  
_He he he let's see who we can spot from this room !_  
For a minute, the Pegasus had reconciled with his mischievous self again. The inspiration flowed again and the prank artist was back ! Smirking and aiming, he prepared to throw out the plane labelled "Février" out of the window.  
Suddenly he froze.  
His eyes kept moving from the carefully crafted paper plane to the French calendar hanging on the wall.  
_Oh, my god._  
His mind was racing, composing ideas at such a speed it didn't even bother using words.  
_OH MY GOD_  
All he could do was burst out in laughter.  
_Attack ! Oh my god yes this is good. Oh my god._  
Overcome by his lungs, he leaned over the wall to catch his breath.  
Seiya swept the tears off his face and looked out the window. The Pegasus Prankster had a lot to do ! He most notably needed to find a launching base in the Sanctuary. Somewhere quiet, high, from which he could see and reach everything ...  
In the distance, the Clock Tower solemnly watched over the Sanctuary.  
-"Saori is going to love hearing how she helped my prank."

***

_Twinkle, twinkle, little star_  
How I wonder how you are  
_For today is such a special day_  
_But oh ! How many lame gifts must be their way  
_

_Fear not, fear not little star_  
_A Responsible King is near_  
_When the blazing sun reaches its peak_  
_A unique sighting you may seek_  
_Up above the world so high  
Like a flock of birds in the sky_

_This is the King's gift to the Child :_  
_Go to the Gate were the winds go wild_  
_Pass the guards for your reward_  
_And choose wisely what you want to record  
_

Twinkle, twinkle little star  
How I wonder where you are ...

***

When the young goddess awoke on the first day of April, her first reflex was to send out one of her guards for Seiya; if only she could keep him busy today as well, the whole Sanctuary would finally rest in peace. That year at least.  
_If I write an essay arguing Seiya is the reincarnation of a trickster god based on the magnitude of his pranks the periodicity of his attacks, could I get away with locking him up for the day until he grows out of pranking ?_  
She poured herself a cup of coffee while making scrambled eggs. _Yes, this is definitively a coffee day. Let's hope it does not become a vodka kind of day ..._

Meanwhile, the rest of the Sanctuary awaited with equal warry and eagerness for the infamous pranks to start. Whether motivated by dread or admiration, the whole population held great expectations, to the point the tension solidified the air around Athena's base. Nobody knew what to expect, and even less when _it_ would start. Trainees, however, hoped it would happen soon as they knew it would definitively disrupt the training schedules for the day.  
-"I am a master of suspense", the Pegasus saint flattered himself.  
Smirking behind his binoculars on top of the Clock Tower, he checked on his honour guest. It would have been such a shame if they were to miss his message ...  
Seiya then reviewed his bags one last time to make sure he had brought everything he needed : provisions - check, water supplies - check, paper stock - double check, appropriate para-wind accoutrement - check, extra bottle for his biological needs - check and separated from the water ones.  
He felt his chest grow as he reached for his first papers to fold. Despite his expertise in crafting paper planes, he paid extra attention in folding his first models as the visual was crucial to the plan.  
_Time to be **very** responsible then ..._

Despite the agitation gaining strength in the Sanctuary's most crowded parts, Shun's mind remained preoccupied by a matter of a very different nature; for him, the first of April marked first and foremost the birthday of a beloved member of their community, yet the recently-promoted Virgo Saint had the misfortune of being on guard duty until the evening. He had posted himself at the entrance of his temple, causally leaning against the wall, more out of hope some business would require the order's mascot to pass through the Twelve Temples than to guard its entrance.  
He glanced at the Clock Tower, which sight kept triggering goosebumps on the ex-bronze up to this day.  
_Almost 12._ _I hope Kiki does not think I forgot about him ..._  
-"I was thinking the same; it's getting late ...  
-Hmmm ?"  
Turning his head left the young Virgo met with Hyoga in his Cygnus Cloth.  
\- "Hey !" He immediately smiled. "What brings you here ? I thought you were on guard duty as well.  
\- I was ... am ? But Saori came in and asked me to look for Seiya.  
\- Really ?" He frowned. "Something happened ?"  
As a reflex, he reached for his neck, only to remember he wore a Gold Cloth now. He had left his pendant behind in Inferno anyway.  
Hyoga seemed to take note of this reflex.  
\- "I'm sure it's nothing to worry about. You know, it's April's fools' today, I think Saori just wants to keep an eye on Seiya. Apparently she had send out guards to look for him first hour this morning, but he was already gone.  
\- I'm sure he is up to something indeed," he smiled.  
-"Yeah, and something big, otherwise we would have already heard of his smaller pranks by now.  
\- Ha ! I wonder what he has cooked up this year", Shun commented absent-mindedly looking back at the Clock Tower.  
A small breeze played with their hair while the Clock Tower started ringing midday. Despite his orders, Hyoga did not move; he would have preferred to stay and chat with his friend rather than going on the doomed mission of finding Seiya on an April Fools' Day.  
-"Anyway. I was supposed to ask Shiryu to fill in guard duty for me, but Shunrei told me he had already left Libra, probably looking for Kiki. So, if you see him ...  
\- Wait."  
Shun frowned.  
\- Do ... do you see what I see ?"  
A confused Hyoga stopped looking at his interlocutor to follow his gaze.  
-"What is that ?" Asked the green-haired.  
A small, unidentified flying object was flowing in their direction. Very, very slowly. Twirling would actually be a sharper word.  
Much more appeared to come out of the Clock Tower.  
-"As long as nobody says 'it's just a whiff of cloud', I think we'll be fine ..." commented Hyoga.  
After what seemed like an eternity the UFO bopped Shun's nose, falling miserably on the ground from the shock.  
Still stunned, the blond picked it up with equal slowness.  
-"A paper plane ...?" Shun uttered, astound.   
Hyoga examined the object agape. It had visibly been made out of used calendar cuts.  
-"Lundi, Mardi, Jeudi ... " He read out loud. "Why is this calendar in French ?  
\- Look at this ... are those, like, little green men ?"  
Both Saints looked up again. The number of paper planes being thrown out of the Clock Tower in all directions began clouding its summit.  
\- "Well, at least, we now know where Seiya is ..." Concluded Hyoga.

Saori was spending her midday break looking out the window with her second cup of coffee in hand. Her divine memory reminisced about the ancient times, when during Roman domination the 1st of April marked the beginning of a new year. Well, the end of March more accurately. Converting calends and ides to the Gregorian system was always a pain ... Well, this sentence used to make sense anyways. Back then.  
At any rate. A time of celebration and feasts.  
_Too bad Japan did not keep the celebrations' part of the ancient New Year tradition,_ the Goddess lamented taking a sip of her coffee. She would definitively need at least one more cup to go through all the Graad's Foundation's fiscal and administrative papers.  
Next thing she knew, the young woman was witnessing the suspicious clouding of the Clock Tower's summit.  
_What the h e l l ???_  
The bewilderment prevented Athena from forming any coherent thought. However, she knew; _It_ had started.  
It was only when one of those  _things_ flew straight to her window that the goddess started moving again. She caught the paper plane in the middle of its flight like a fly and brought it close to her face for immediate examination.  
The omnipresent drawings of green faces mischievously looking out portholes appeared to be the central piece.  
-"Mars," she read. "French for March. This is a copy of a French calendar. Why in hell would you make hundreds of colour prints of a French calendar to throw out the ..."  
Saori suddenly realised.  
_Oh he did **NOT** ..._ She glared at the Clock Tower. He was probably using his Pegasus Fist at full power to keep such a launching rhythm. And every single one of those planes was metaphorically _attacking_ the Sanctuary's inhabitants.  
-" **Really Seiya ?** " She yelled at full power. " **Fucking _really_ ? _MARS ATTACKS_ ???**"  
She immediately got pulled back into safety by her close guards who thus doomed themselves to the most awkward pop-cinema-culture lesson of their life.

On top of the Clock Tower, Seiya had to lay down on his perch as he had fallen prey to an uncontrollable bust of laughter. He had not missed a single second of the Pope's Chambers scene and could not have hoped for a better outcome. Thanks to Saori's divine cosmos, the whole Sanctuary now appreciated the refinement of his prank.  
He took advantage of this break to observe Kiki's reaction as well. The kid was laughing his ass off the top of the Sanctuary Main Gate as expected, trying his best to keep his camera steady.  
Which reminded him; now was a good time to send the special Birthday Plane he had prepared for him. The Trickster King did not doubt the special dedication, "Happy Birthday **_Kid !_** " would impact the boy.  
Seiya moved around the giant clock for optimum positioning. A new stroke moved his hair around; he smiled.  
_It's always windy in the Sanctuary !_


End file.
